CL #3: Feeling Stuck? Here's How To Get Unstuck in Life by Asking Simple Questions
Discover Dr. Marilee Adams' Popular Framework for Succeeding in Life and Work
We often feel stuck in life in areas such as our career, relationships or finances.
What if I told you there is a simple framework that can get you unstuck every single time no matter the circumstance?
Listen in:
In this video clip, Dr. Marilee Adams explains the Choice Map, the key framework in her question thinking methodology.
The main idea of the framework is:
In every situation we encounter in life, we are either in the judger path (fear mindset) or the learner path (possibility mindset).
The judger mindset is our default path which leads us to the judger pit, the pity party, the swamp of despondency or the cycle of fear…we could call it many names. We often get stuck here.
The learner mindset is accessed through asking the right questions that go beyond the feelings and emotions. It sees possibilities and helps us move forward.
How The Choice Map Helped Me Accept My Job
When I discovered this framework through coaching about 4 years ago, I immediately pinned it on my desk. I had just started a new job in People Management, a new field, considering my background in Computer Science.
I had the tough task of learning everything from scratch and my social skills were terrible yet my job now involved constantly engaging with people: listening, empathizing, influencing and being diplomatic.
The first time someone blew me off during a phone call I almost cried. Those days were tough.
I made countless mistakes, judged myself harshly and often ended up in a pity party:
“I can’t do this anymore!”
“This is not my kind of job.”
“Why can’t I get things right?”
“If I only had a tech job, things would be better.”
Until I learnt that I had a choice.
I could be more kind to myself, stop judging myself, and ask the right questions.
Having the choice map in front of me every day gave me the awareness that I can choose every moment.
And it worked!
I grew from Intern to Team Leader in that organization and I am still in a job that does people management.
In fact, I enjoy people management. (Can’t believe I said that)
Take a moment and look at the choice map below:
The Judger Path
If you’re like me, you often experience this path as it is our default path.
When the Judger experiences thoughts, feelings and circumstances, he/she asks:
What’s wrong with me?
Whose fault is it?
Why am I a failure?
Why am I so stupid?
Why can’t I do anything right?
Why do I have such bad luck?
Why are they so clueless and frustrating?
Haven’t we already been there, don’t that?
Why bother?
3 Characteristics of the Judger
#1. The Judger Reacts
The judger is known for quick reactions that he or she immediately regrets once the situation has passed.
Have you ever received an email/text where you felt attacked? Then you quickly typed out a response in the heat of the moment and gave the person a piece of your mind?
Only to go back and read the email/text slowly, and realize there was no attack but you’ve already burnt the bridges?
That’s the judger mindset at work.
#2. The Judger Blames
There are two people that the judger blames: themselves or others.
Judgers who blame themselves love it but can’t admit it. The mud in the judger pit is so warm and cosy.
For as long as they are in the pit, they can’t take action and be blamed further. They are unable to ask for help for everything rises and falls with them.
Judgers who blame others are ‘saints’. Everyone is usually wrong except them. Someone pushed them to the pit, they had no involvement whatsoever.
They can’t admit it but they also love the smooth mud in the pit. For as long as they are in the pit, they can’t take responsibility.
#3. The Judger’s World is Win-Lose
For the Judger to Win, someone has to Lose; when the Judger Loses then someone has Won
The world is black and white for them:
“If it’s not my fault it’s yours”
“If I am not stupid then everyone is stupid”
“You either have good luck or bad luck”
“It’s either Israel or Palestine”
There is no middle ground for them as they struggle with holding two opposing ideas in the mind. If you have visited Twitter recently on the Palestine-Israel issue, you know what I am talking about.
“With the Judger mindset, the future can only be a recycled version of the past.” - Dr. Marilee Adams
The world teaches us to be judgers, but there is a better way.
The Learner Path
Our aspiration is to be in the learner path for that is where true progress happens.
When the Learner experiences thoughts, feelings and circumstances, he/she asks:
What happened?
What do I want?
What’s useful about this?
What can I learn?
What’s the other person thinking, feeling, and wanting?
What are my choices?
What’s best to do now?
What’s possible?
3 Characteristics of the Learner
#1. The Learner Chooses
Learners know that in order make a choice and win over the strong reactive forces of the judger, they have to pause.
This is what they teach in anger management courses:
Before taking any action, slowly count from 1 -10
If you were about to take a course in anger management I have saved you a few dollars.
The Christian version is if you are triggered, quietly say the Lord’s Prayer. Others take a walk.
However you pause, it always works because it gives you an opportunity to choose, consider the facts, assumptions and consequences of your actions.
Application: In that situation you are facing right now, ask 4-5 learner questions and see the clarity that you will gain.
#2. The Learner Solves
Instead of blaming self or others, the learner is focused on the solution.
“We have a no-blame culture. We blame the problem rather than the person, which is easier said than done.” - Toto Wolff, Mercedes F1 Team Principal and CEO
Learners understand that you can blame all you want and the root problem will still remain. Then you will blame again…and the cycle goes on
Learners learn to deal with the discomfort and uncertainty of exploring the root cause of a problem in order to find a solution.
They also understand that they are part of the problem and therefore take the necessary action themselves or inspire others to take action.
Application: What’s the underlying problem causing you to get stuck in your life? What action can you take?
#3. The Learner’s World is Win-Win
Learners look for solutions where everyone involved can win.
Win-win situations are often costly and learners are willing to pay the price.
When presented with two options, they know there is a third option and they spend time looking for it.
Instead of asking, “whose fault is it?” they ask, “how can we solve the problem for all of us?”
Instead of saying, “I am always unlucky” they ask “how else can I approach this?”
Instead of saying, “my boss is frustrating” they ask, “how else can I think about my boss?”, “What does he/she need?”
Application: If you find yourself in the judger path, ask the right questions and you will be on the switching lane to the learner path.
Summary
Think of the Choice Map as a self-coaching tool that helps us to be more aware, and that helps us chart more effective paths through our lives—and for getting better outcomes in whatever we do.
Below is a summary of Judger and Learner Questions:
For more information and contextualization about the framework, grab Dr. Marilee Adam’s book on Amazon
Also let me know in the comments how you intend to use this framework.
3 Things I Found Interesting This Week
How Israel Helped Create Hamas: Turns out that Israel had a part in creating Hamas, the Palestinian faction who they are currently fighting. To learn more about the origins of the Israel-Palestine conflict watch this 6 minutes video.
Quickly Build AI Apps for Clients or Teams using MindStudio: With this application you can create an AI app for a specific purpose with No Code. You also get to choose the AI model you want to base your app on i.e.(GPT, Claude, or PaLM). In the same breadth, ChatGPT has released a guide on Teaching with AI. Something big is cooking in the world of AI. I will write about it soon.
These 20 Pictures Will Teach You More Than Reading 100 Books: This article blew my mind as it communicates a lot in a few words and images. Read it for yourself.
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Thank you for the article. Life is about decisions. Having a framework does help in navigating life. I will definitely apply the choice map.